Absence + Updates

Well, it's been awhile. My deepest apologies these are mostly to myself, so I can strive to do better

There's been a whole...chaotic, nigh shit-show of a ride series of events since we last spoke. I finally got rid of (sold, kinda...) the house. Packing was a mess. Seeing the movers take Grandma's piano back to my parents was heartbreaking. We the piano and I were finally becoming friends again, working on our pain, our loss, our bitterness. Now that chapter is back on pause, and I can only hope I succeed in making a future where I can bring her along with me and have a proper place for her in my home.

I moved in with Jake. It's been an absolute dream, excellent, amazing, flawless. He's a great cohabitation partner, and I'm so grateful for him and his invite to share the space with him.

We went to Disneyland, it was my first time, and spent a bit of time in Cali. It was great to see his mom again, places where he grew up, meet Grandma and walk her beautiful garden. What an honour, to be taken around the family this way. We went to Vegas for his youngest brother's 21st. It was fun. Complicated. Some unwanted feelings and situations, neither here nor there, acknowledged nonetheless.

I moved brokerages. That also, was heartbreaking. I love LUX Denver, Emily, Nate, and the other folks there. It felt good to be a part of their culture, environment. I had a hard coming to about what I wanted out of life, and how I have to go about getting it. And trying to build a strong, lasting community here, where my goal is to move away, felt ... bad.

So I joined NAV Real Estate. I wanted to chase down their Zillow leads in Denver, now that I live down here. It's been going .. okay. I've gotten some wild calls, from folks with no intent to buy/sell. But I am grateful to serve them, all the same. Well actually, the day to day and the training and mentorship i’ve been receiving have been AMAZING. I’ve been practicing roleplaying showings, client objections, and all sorts of interactions that I’m bound to have, and that has been.. life changing, to say the least. It’s really great to be able to work on those things in a safe setting with excellent people.

So, here I am. I haven't been doing things. Like, going to events, meeting people, networking. On one hand, it's been nice to take some much-needed selfcare. I got the bedroom my room done nicely, put up some lights. Got a shelf to minimise clutter. Put up decor. Lit my candles. It feels like home, and it feels peaceful. Blissful. I've been baking. I figured out Snickerdoodle Cookies. Just made a cheesecake. Painted some things, added gold to some 'all black everything' decor we have around, to fit the rest of the place.

But meeting people is hard. Oh, I was sick, too. This last week/end. It was rough, and I feel bad about getting Jake sick, too. He had to call out from work. Oof i know how much it stresses him out and I can't fix it, yet So that recovery definitely made me feel... useless. I mean, I'm caring for my partner, doing my best to upkeep our home, make food, all that stuff. But work fell off the table. I could barely speak for a day and a half, with a sore throat and congesting. The desire to be present, to exist completely left me.

And that brings us to now, I suppose.

I ... feel like I exist, trapped, in this strange in-between place of two different people. One of them wants to do it all; she wants to succeed, she wants to crush it at her job, build wealth, invest, take care of her friends, family, partners. Give to the community, give to strangers, give art and kindness to the world. Move us to Seattle and not have to worry about a damn thing along the way or ever after. She'd live for that.

The other ... to say she doesn't care, is a vulgar oversimplification. She cares about those things, deeply. Her gentle nature and unyielding care is primarily the driving force of my being. But she just ... wants to rest. Her soul feels tired. She's content driving Jake to work, doing domestic things, chasing art, and hanging out. Not out of lazy, but because that's when she's happiest. And she doesn't know how to connect with the eager, outgoing self that wants to do it.

So I am. Here, feeling like I'm between two panes of glass, looking into two different oceans, above and below.

And I'm unable to fucking dive into either of them. I just watch it all pass by. Watch the waves and the stars, glitter and shimmer and ripple across time. Deep down, I'm so fucking sick of it. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm dejected. I'm apathetic about it all, melancholic and listless. Yet so, so unbearably restless. But whatever avenue I put my 'energy' towards, it never feels like it's the right thing, or worth it, or 'good enough'. I don't know how to think about work constantly, productively, the way I think about problem solving an art piece, a decor situation at home, or some fidgety hands-on activity that's only mildly relevant to existence.

I don't know how to span that chasm within me.

I have a whole to-do list of work things (yay, internet leads!) that I need to get through that I've fallen behind on while I was sick. And that's great, it's some direction, routine, whatever. But after that I just ... want to do creative things. I'm struggling to ass myself to get up and do them. Go outside and take photos. Go get a new chair for my desk (the old one was hurting my back really bad). Start a new canvas painting. Hell, finish an old one! Finish the painting on my iPad (she’s beautiful btw). Paint one of my miniature busts. Make an 'installation' for it so she could be displayed safely. Do writing, whether it’s this or help Jake with his book. That's a fun venture. Vacuum the house, whateverthefuck non work thing I can come up with. Oooooooh I love doing those.

And then the last part that I have such a hard time wrapping myself around,

Loneliness.

You see, I love being alone. It's my favourite thing. No one to bother me, no one to make me talk. No one to disrupt the silence I find so sacred. I can come and go as I please, listen to my music as loud or as quiet, talk to myself or not, make silly faces or dance around the room. It's bliss, it's heaven.

But I have an insatiable craving for the choice of my aloneness. It's probably why I do relationships in the semi questionable way I do. My partner can go do whatever it is they want to get up to, and I get to be alone. And then we hang out, and talk. We talk during the day, or we don't. Whatever. It's great. It's the best of both worlds.

But I am sorely lacking on friends. I don't know how to do those as well. And friends are needed in my business, and for my mental health. My closest friend is often busy and stressed by life and work. Outside of that, I don't have many friends. I let a lot of them go because I was interested in different things in life. I lost a lot of them because of bad relationships and isolation, whether of my own desire or my partner's abuse. And I didn't, and don't, go do the 'job' thing like a lot of people do, so I didn't make friends that way. It's really weird. And going outside and meeting people is ..... arduous.

The tired self is so.. overwhelmed with it. Sometimes just replying to a text message is the biggest mountain I've ever encountered. Sometimes it's easy and I don't give it a second thought. I feel so broken, so fucked up, so... strange. Like I am the stranger... And she doesn't know where to begin at helping. To grow.

… have you ever felt that way?