Self-worth and the Commission Credit

So I ran into the Commission Question recently; a topic I knew would eventually rise, yet still caught me off guard with its manifestation. I've been working on my own internal struggles with boundaries and establishing (and maintaining!) my value. Personally and professionally. And it's a really tricky dialogue. A significant part of my existence has been spent with the narrative of service, giving, accommodating, and ultimately putting the needs and wants of others above my own. So much so it had gotten to the point of self harm and neglect. My love language is primarily 'Acts of Service’, and I chose a career field where I'm literally, legally obligated to advocate for someone else's interests.

I am in it.

And so you know what's hard to do, when you've gotten that as a foundation for decades?

Saying no.

It feels impossible! Selfish! How dare I not accommodate a request asked of me, it's about giving. The 'needs of the many'. Highest interests of the client! And we can dig even deeper, 'what would Jesus do?' Serve others.

So I'd been taking this buyer out for showings for a while now, few months at this point I think. Not like every day, even every week. A time or so a month, honestly. They were a Zillow lead: lukewarm at best, probably going to require significant effort, and we didn't really align. I'm not exactly the face and mannerism of a real estate agent embedded in the woes of capitalism and maximum production at all costs. Not in the slightest…

And they're picky. It's got to be new, it's got to be in a certain area, it's got to feel good, it's got to be a good investment, and it's got to be in an 'in-demand area' in the future. But in an indeterminate period of time in the future, because they’re not going to rent it out now or even soon, a year+. You know, all standard stuff.

We're discussing The Process™ and they ask me about Commission Credits and if I ‘do that sort of thing?’. Since of course, the agent that helped them in a different state did. So I say that, no, I don't usually do that sort of thing, however, I am open to negotiating things and doing whatever I can to accommodate the best interests of my clients. Agency.

Well boy howdy guys that really bit me in the ass! The conversation is really brief there, and we move on. Learning experience and self criticisms performed, more clarity in communication, upfrontness, self value... Improvements for me about directness and firmly, clearly establishing boundaries where they need to be. But there's always the counter point: just not fully certain. The above friction causes a doubt in self value, in making a concrete decision quickly, and the subjective, logical rationale is now laden with complicated, unhelpful emotional irrationality. Disgusting. But anyway, silly me thought that'd be the end of it.

So more time and energy moving forward. We see some things. Lots of discussion and back and forth with a new build, we're really getting into complexity now. There's tons of little fuckin, quirky nonsense complications popping up around this. Utilities aren't in, Xcel is behind, no idea when it'll be in, that might affect the close date, no you won't get Earnest back if close is delayed by Xcel and termination, no we can't provision a neat way out, oh what about Buyer’s other house, don't want to talk to lender yet, what deal can we get, lender says the other property has to be rented for income, no way around it..... it's really not much, truthfully. Just, drops in the bucket of a day in the life of whatever the fuck it is I'm doing that alludes to real estate.

… In a...... normal, unaligned way.

Ahhhhhhh so we talk some more. They decide they want the house. But wait, the incentives... whatever, we want the house! I think. Is it a good investment? Perhaps, here's x and y and abc to consider, only you can decide if this will align with your life, consult a legal and financial professional to advise you with specifics... I can't tell people what to do, I can only tell them what may happen to them depending on the choice they make.

The question comes up again (of course). And it is broken apart over an unrelated conversation, and it comes out that so-and-so from whereverthefuck knows someone whomst appears to be an agent that is doing Commission Credits, and all the sudden 'a lot of them' and 'everyone' and 'happening everywhere' is what's going down and I'm like, uhhuh....

They point out the part in our conversation where I said I was open to negotiating. And with the 'other people are doing it’, I'm getting prodded about it again. Hmmmph, so here we go, really have to. Word it up. I guess. Establish boundaries. And keep them.

Oh!!! Speaking of that. I've had some fantastic dialogue with friends, my coach, my husband, my cat, my boyfriend, about being more direct and less submissive and timid in my responses to things. Conversations. Don't be a dick, but say what comes to mind. Speak the truth, be kind, but do not devalue myself.

I used to work my responses through several iterations, making them smooth, highly educated, explanatory, and polite. So as to not disturb the patriarchal structure what with its undertones rooted in white supremacy and inequality. Keep the peace. Don't disturb, don't cause a scene, customer is always right, whatever. We've all heard it I'd imagine. Diminish yourself to maintain the status quo. Shoutouts to the Barbie movie, watched it with the bf the other day and Gloria’s speech is 11/10 real talk right there folks

Fucking horrid.

So I am reminded of my resolve to be firm, be clear, and uphold my worth. I just ask "Why?". Like, why the fuck not lol what do I really have to lose here? 'But Charity don't you have bills and need money for that?' Yeah, I do have bills, and I'm scared shitless. But! fuck dude, the money is so whatever, fuck the money. This is about relationships and meaningful connections, morals, integrity, self-worth, honesty. Core commitments! And I’m going to uphold them!

Anyway!!!!! What a wild ride that turned into. The response to "Why?" was, apparently a Friend in a Different City said they received a credit and Buyer wanted to check if they'd also receive one.

So I asked why Buyer thought I should work for a reduced rate; this is my job and how I pay my bills and feed my adorable cat. Buyer agreed it's my job but that '[it] is happening around and a common thing that many realtors do.' Oh would you look. at. that.

Peer pressure! Insinuation to conform! No genuine response! So we keep talking about the home a bit, and Buyer presses me more, about how they really have liked working with me so far and reminded me that I said, previously:

I negotiate with Sellers to get them to cover as many of the fees as possible, so the buyer has as little obligation as possible, and that I'm open to negotiating for things to be in the best interests of Buyer.  

I told Buyer that Commission Credit is a negotiable thing, some do it, some don't, there's actually some places around town that make that their whole selling point. Buyer acknowledged and then asked me to let them know what I want to do.

I said that

I'd rather not, ‘because everyone else is [doing it]’ is not enough of a reason. 

Buyer asked me why I said that I'm open to negotiating, and that I should have strictly said [that] I don't do it.

I DO AGREE WITH THIS POINT! AHhhh past fuckups here to help me grow as a person. Love it. Always hyped for tomorrow.

I responded that I am open to negotiating, but if the only reasons we're negotiating is because Other People are doing it, then that isn't good enough for me.

Buyer explained that a simple reason is that I said I would negotiate, and they believed me, and that should be enough. And that I should imagine myself in their place: they had an option of a realtor who gives back commission and a realtor who they like and said would negotiate. And so they chose the later simply because of the concept of talking about it. And hit’s me with a nice, 'What would you do?'

I had to go about my day at this point, had some other activities and a general, not-going-to-text-while-I-drive vibe. Eventually I get back to Buyer and let them know that:

If I elected to work with someone because I enjoyed them and liked them so far, I wouldn't go around asking them to do something that other people are doing because other people are doing it. If I wanted someone that was doing what other people were doing I'd go get those people doing that thing.

I am open to the idea of negotiation, as a personal preference and wanting to feel a fair deal was made. Not to follow a trend.

Well, not sure how Buyer felt about that. They said we should do a fair deal then. I asked them what's fair to them and how I can accommodate, and Buyer told me that I should tell them what's fair.

Ugh. So I counsel with my partners, think it over, contemplate the ways I can be too-nice, too mean, that I shouldn't be an asshole, man I really should have just... said no in the start but whatever. Learning from mistakes today now to do better tomorrow.

Ultimately like, I genuinely wanted to know if there was something substantial enough to like, warrant this request. There's no shortage of funds, Buyer is an excellent position to move forward with any property in the price/location we've been shopping for. It's just. Why.

So, I end it.

After considering further, I have elected not to agree to a credit. There is nothing here to me that warrants that kind of behaviour

'Alright' is the only response I get.

Like, I feel kinda bad in a way. I love to accomodate and do whatever to make sure my clients are happy and their best interests are understood and met. Goals achieved. Dreams realised.

Service.

But at what fucking cost to myself, my morals and self worth, my value?!

Despite Not Caring about the money, and having done various Buyer sorta-rebates in the past (or paying invoices on behalf of, what have you), I really fucking cared about this one.

I don't go around asking my doctor or the lovely woman at grocery checkout to share her paycheck with me, the buyer, because 'everyone is doing it'. I don't ask an artist I hire to share their commission with me, the buyer, because 'so and so's friend said they did it....'

Fuck that noise. Understand that I'm worth my time, my energy, the knowledge and experience I've amassed and worked hard to get, and accept it, OR, fuck right off I don't have time for that petty shit